My New Years Resolution

I despise resolutions because most times, they are broken before the first week of January has finished. There are so many things I'd like to "resolve" to do such as exercising, eating healthier and so on but I don't think I will. At least I won't make a promise to. I think I will do better if I just make it general. My true heart's desire this year is to "start over". I want to rethink the way we handle our finances and our parenting, but I want to start over in other ways as well. I want this to be the year that we embrace a church, dive into ministry again, make more true and committed friends and allow God to guide us where He wants. It sounds so BIG, and maybe these things are more hopeful thinking than resolutions, but we have been sitting on the edge of something for a year now. Waiting and believing there is something bigger and better prepared for us. And maybe the problem all along has been that we have been waiting for "it" to come to us when all along we have had the opportunity to go to "it" and haven't. Maybe, just maybe, God will make something big out of the small things we are given to do as we commit to a church body again.

Just maybe.

Though it is so hard not to be discontent with our situation, I think God has been waiting for us to let go of our expectations and just be willing to serve wherever service is needed. I didn't want to work in the food business, but maybe God put me there to remind me how blessed we really are. I work with a pastor and his wife who are looking for a church body to call their own as well. They both make $8.00 an hour, live in an apartment and have 5 kids to clothe and feed. Or maybe it is so I can simply show someone that serving others can be done with a smile no matter how rude they can be to me. I don't begin to understand why this year has happened the way it has, why our house won't sell, why Todd has not received an offer for a job, and why we never had enough money to pay our bills. All I know is that somehow He has sustained us and brought us through it. Now I believe is our turn. We need to step out and make ourselves available again and dive right back into ministry. Each turn that we have learned to let go of the reins, He has brought us through safely. There's no one I'd rather trust.

Our task is small to begin with, but we are hoping that in the midst of small acts, He will make BIG things come to pass.

So, Christmas is coming in two weeks and I have not even completed my Christmas cards.

This year, it seems I am being taught the lesson of "you can't do it all". I usually have all the presents bought by the end of October, 80 homemade Christmas cards sent out right after Thanksgiving and all the gifts wrapped under the tree. I love preparing for this holiday. I guess my kiddish heart still relives all the magic once upon a time. I can recall many nights when I would go into the living room, turn out all the lights and lay under the glistening tree dreaming of what the treasures there could be. Sometimes, if I was really brave, I would try to tear just a small corner off a gift in hopes that I would reveal the mystery. One Christmas, I even went looking for my gifts and found every one in my parent's closet. What a fun secret to keep, until the morning I had to unwrap each one and fake the surprise and joy that had slowly faded.

Though my anticipation for Christmas day is not less, the worries and unbought gifts make me wish that day was not quite so close. And yet, the other part of me just wants to get it over and move on to 2006. We have made some big difficult decisions these last few months and the new year feels full of promise, freedom (and hopefully a new job).
So though you may not receive a card from us this year,know that we are so thankful for our family and our friends who have supported us through this year of constant change. You have helped us keep our emotions in check, our hearts softened and our eyes straining to see what He'll bring next.

Merry Christmas!!