The Prince Charming Syndrome

When I was a little girl my absolute favorite musical was "Rogers and Hammerstein's, Cinderella". Not the more current version with Brandy as Cinderella, but the older (perhaps cheesier) version with Leslie Ann Warren. I knew all of the songs and scenes. I would go into our basement with a few friends who would graciously play the parts of the evil step sisters and reenact the moment when I, Cinderella, first spot the prince at the ball. I loved that glimmer in their eyes, the pause and speechless anticipation as she gently glides down the staircase and joins hands with the prince (who swiftly sweeps her onto the dance floor). It was magical.

I recently was in a conversation with a close friend about the process of figuring out which church is the "ONE". I think part of me is expecting this magical breathtaking moment where we will just "know" its where we are suppose to go. We have had some that felt like the "one" and others that just didn't do anything for us. My friend finally asked something so simple, yet so very profound. She said, "Do you remember when you would dream of the moment when you would finally meet the one you were going to marry? Did you believe, like most little girls, that it would be 'love at first sight'? Do you think that perhaps you are expecting the same thing with finding the right church?" It seems so immature to think that way, yet I really think she was right. I AM expecting "love at first sight". Another pastor friend of ours told Todd that sometimes is not about feeling peace, but about doing God's will, no matter how it feels. I think our heads and hearts were in the expectation that our feelings will just tell us where to go but the truth is, feelings are not always reliable. Sometimes, they reflect too much of our flesh and selfishness. Sometimes, they just reveal our preconceived ideas or perceptions. They are not always tied up closely to God's will.

This new revelation does not make our task any easier, but it gives me a different perception. In some ways, its even a relief. It takes the focus off of me and onto truly seeking God's will. It means that if I feel "bad" about a situation or maybe just "uneasy" I don't need to focus on that. I just need to keep my eyes steady on the path that He is making and follow obediently. If it means things may be uncomfortable then I'll be a bit uncomfortable knowing that the God who formed me and knows my deepest desires also loves me more than I could imagine and wants the very best for me.

Music Meme

So, My friend, Adam, tagged me in this random "fill in the blank" questionnaire.

Here is my attempt and what you need to do:


1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool!

Opening Credits: Not to Us -Chris Tomlin

Waking Up: How Great is Our God -Chris Tomlin

First Day At School: Yakety Yak-The Coasters

Falling In Love: Mele Kalikimaka- Bing Crosby (If you know this song you are officially cool!)

Fight Song: Prodical -Casting Crowns

Breaking Up: The Christmas Song -Vince Guaraldi

Prom: While you were sleeping -Casting Crowns (Is that inappropriate??:)

Life: Never Give Up- Darlene Zschech (Hey, I like that!)

Mental Breakdown: America- Chris Tomlin (LOL)

Driving: Have a Nice Day -Bon Jovi (Awesome driving song!)

Flashback: White Christmas -Bing Crosby

Getting Back Together: Amazing - Matt Redman (I guess if it was a bad break up this would be true!)

Wedding: Overflow - Chris Tomlin (I seem to see a theme with Chris going here)

Birth of Child: Lifesong -Casting Crowns (wow that one fits good too!)

Final Battle: Satisfy - Tenth Avenue North

Death Scene: Unchanging- Chris Tomlin (Yep, I have to agree with that.)

Funeral Song: Till I See You -Hill Song (Appropriate!)

Remembrance Song: Never Say Never -The Fray

End Credits: Come let us Worship -Chris Tomlin

I’m tagging Lisabeth, Michelle and Amy T.

Rainbow in the Midst of the Storm

This evening, Hannah and I were planting some Marigolds in the flowerbeds to add color for our ninth showing at our house tomorrow. I didn't want to spend a lot of money so I only bought a small amount, but it was amazing what a difference they made. Just as I got to the last flowerbed, thunder began to roll in and so I frantically planted the rest and hurried inside. A few minutes later, the wind began to blow, rain began to pelt the ground and the fresh crisp scent of spring filled the house. Safely inside, I enjoyed just watching from the window as the new flowers got their first taste of rainwater. It was euphoric.

As we have struggled through the last five months, I have been amazed how that same feeling has been with me. I know that we are facing so much "unknown" and I can hear the thunder and see the storms rolling in, yet, I feel safe. Safe inside, protected from the wind and rain and noise. Instead of trying to dodge each obstacle, it has become increasingly like we are just able to sit back and watch God move. I suppose there are many people who go through their entire lives being able to see God visibly maneuver. We have not had that privilege. For the longest time, we have been praying with no answers. Waiting, with no end in sight. But lately, that has changed. As we have let go of the things we have taken for granted, a job, a house, we have been given small glimpses of God doing something. I am still not sure where we will be in three months, but I know God has something planned for us. And even more, I am at peace with whatever that is.

In the middle of the rain, I glanced outside again and caught sight of a stunning burst of color in the sky. The rainbow stretched in a giant arch over the distant horizon and I grabbed the camera to capture the moment. I was so caught up with the excitement, that I barely noticed the rain that was quickly soaking one half of me. It was a beautiful moment.

I am so hopeful that soon, we too, will see our "rainbow". I can sense its coming. And I can't even imagine the joy we will feel when it finally breaks out across our lives.

We are ready.

Here's the Scoop!

Last week, Todd and I finally made the call that we have been talking about making for a few months now. We called a real estate agent. Since, Todd lost his job in January, we have known that this step was on the horizon. We love our home, but we also love having food and electricity and clothes and.. well, you get the idea. We have had wonderful people get us through the last few months and so we were able to keep up with the bills, but we can't expect other families to sacrifice on our behalf forever. We can not realistically pay our mortgage between what little I bring home and what small amount unemployment gives. We have been actively talking about putting our house up for sale for the last few weeks and the more we talked, the more at peace we felt about it.

We met with a friend of ours, who also happens to be in real estate and talked things over with him. It seems that our house is now worth about 50% less than what we bought it for seven years ago. Yes FIFTY percent. Because we were one of those "lucky" homeowners who got sucked into an ARM loan, we had to refinance and that put our mortgage amount up as well. In order to sell our home, we will have to ask for a "short sale" which is basically when the bank agrees to take less than what you owe on your loan. This process can take three to eight months and since we still have to find a buyer, we decided that the best decision is to put the house on the market now.

Our biggest prayer is that by the time we are ready to move out, Todd will have another job and we can move into a new place at that time. If he doesn't, my in laws have opened their home to us and we will stay there for a little while. Either way, I am not concerned about where we will be. Amazingly, God has given us so much peace that even the idea of not seeing what is ahead doesn't bring fear. It can be frustrating because we can't make plans more than one month at a time, but I think its been a great place to be. If we only have tomorrow to look at, there is no worry for the long term. In the mean time, we hope that our home will find new owners who will love to live here just as much as we did. We are so thankful that we were blessed with this house.

I'm Ready Now

There is a song that I have been listening to quite a lot lately. The Desperation Band's song "Ready Now" resonates so deeply within me that I can't help but get emotional every time I listen to it. It is the cry of my heart, the longing deep inside my soul to be used by God. I hope that if you are in the "waiting period" in your life that this speaks to you too.

Not Half Dead

Shadow, the hamster, at a younger time.


Shadow at over 2 years old.


Two years ago, a friend of ours told me a hamster she had just bought surprisingly gave birth a few days after she brought it home. She had several small gray babies that needed a home and being the softy that I am, I agreed to take one. The kids have had hamsters in the past and after the initial excitement faded, I was left with the care of the new pet. This was the case once again with our new addition. "Shadow" made her home in a wire cage in Hannah's room but after several months of loud chewing and wheel turnings in the night, she had to be relocated to the laundry room pantry. Since then, Shadow has had a home on top of the pantry. Not a great place for a family pet, but she doesn't seem to mind. The highlight of her day was when I came to "visit". She would immediately come over to the door and wait for whatever "treat" (usually a fresh veggie or a small slice of fruit) I came to offer her. She would take it as fast as she could from me and scurry off to enjoy her new treasure.

The last few weeks, Shadow has really begun to show her age. Her eyes are clearly not picking up images right in front of her, her back is humped and her now faded hair is falling out in clumps, exposing the wrinkled flaky skin underneath. She is not a pretty sight at all. When I bring her treats now, she does not see them well and I have scared her more than once when I placed them beside her. Last night, I blew on her gently to get her attention and she squealed and jumped up in the air! Although I look forward to the day when I can get rid of the falling apart cage and stop changing the bedding inside, I can not get myself to end the poor thing's life. My brother in law and father in law had very "creative" ideas on how to "end" things (I won't mention them to spare those of you who are small animal lovers), but the only avenue I have considered is taking her to the vet and asking them to put her to "sleep". Even that option makes me feel bad. We have never had to make decisions like this, our pets have always peacefully passed away. Now, some unknown compassion for this little creature has caused me to hesitate to make the decision.

Maybe its because when I look at Shadow, I am reminded a bit of Todd and I's life right now. We have never had a lot of money or a big house. We drive a modest leased vehicle and an old used Honda. We don't have all of the latest technology or been able to go on big vacations, but we have never really cared. Not that we wouldn't appreciate some of those things, but its never been something that we felt driven to achieve. We have been happy to simply exist up on the "pantry" and live life together as a family. Our "treats" were the special times we went out to eat at a restaurant or went to the movies. Now, with Todd unemployed, our home value decreased by almost $60,000 and the desire to get back in ministry still weighing heavily on Todd, we are starting to feel a bit drained of life.

When I look at our hamster, Shadow, I feel her pain as she adjusts to not being able to see quite where she is going. I look at her exposed skin and think how uncomfortable it must be without the warmth of the fur she used to know. And then I reflect on the dark and uncomfortable journey we have been on as well.

Last night, I took out our camera, determined to capture the last images of our Shadow. I wanted to be able to show a few people how pathetic she looked now. When I looked back at the pictures I took, I was actually surprised that they didn't quite capture the ugliness of what I saw. She may be losing hair, but her small black eyes seemed to somehow distract you from what she was missing. It made me think that perhaps she wasn't quite the sight I thought she had become. Certainly, there are much worse ways to die as a hamster. She doesn't have a huge tumor on her back or have her teeth grow so long she is unable to eat. She is simply living in a body that has slowly been used to capacity.

I realize that at times, I look at our situation and feel like our dreams are "half dead". I get so caught up in the ugliness of what I feel and see around me and see only what has been taken away. Maybe, I need to look at what we still have. We still have our beautiful kids, transportation, a roof over our head and most of all our faith in a Father who will never fail us. He cares about us soooo much more than I could ever care about a dying pet. He knows our desires and needs and I believe that He has our very best future planned out for us. As much as I lose the desire to keep plugging on and endure this dark, uncomfortable state of living, I know that, unlike our little Shadow, there is something so much better in store.

We just have to keep moving forward.

"No" Once again

Its funny, I feel like I could copy and paste a few previous blogs in order to write what I am feeling right now. After we returned from our trip last week, I was really excited, but the past few days, I have had so much anxiety over whether or not Todd would be chosen. I felt so much dread and I just put the feelings up to the previous times Todd has been turned down. I thought that I was just being negative and so I was constantly praying and asking God to help me relax and anticipate a "yes". Todd told me after the phone call from TX that he had been feeling the same way. Not surprisingly then, when our dread turned to reality. The wonderful church we hoped to go down and join had chosen the other candidate over Todd. The main reason being that he was already Methodist, unlike Todd. It is heart breaking. I am so overcome with grief.

I have never known the feeling of loosing a baby through miscarriage and I know the pain we are going through is nowhere as intense as the loss of a child, but the process reminds me of what we have experienced over the last 3 years. When a man and woman are anticipating a new baby, they are excited, they plan, announce their joy with those they love and pray for the baby's safe arrival. They have their whole lives rearranged as they prepare for a child that will change everything they ever knew. Then the dream dies. They feel the pain and shame of losing something so dear. All the plans and arrangements are in vain, and they are left feeling empty and broken.

We now feel very empty and broken. The dream we have prayed so hard for just doesn't ever seem to grow full-term. Time after time, its "miscarried" and we are left to start over. In the past, Todd had a job to go back to, but this time, he does not. That makes it all more frightening. My instincts want to shout out "I quit!". I want to run away from all of this and start over somewhere far away and forget that God ever called Todd into ministry. Its just too painful. Too full of rejection. But my heart says that God still has a plan. As much as I want to throw my hands up and say "I surrender", I just can't. I don't want to go through another interview with a committee. I don't want to fly out to visit a church and fall in love with it, just to be heart broken again. I don't want to plan our future around a dream that just never seems to be fulfilled. But I know we have to. I have to mourn for today but tomorrow get back up and brush my knees off and get ready to face whatever comes next.

Its not going to be easy, but we will do it like each time before this one.