God said "no"
Tonight, thirty minutes before we had to be up at the school for open house we got "the call". As soon as Todd began listening and I heard silence for a very long time I knew.
Yep, God said "no".
I have tried to believe that I would be at peace with whatever decision the church made because after all, we asked God to shut the doors. However, at the moment I had the guts to enter the room where Todd sat still conversing with the pastor from TX and I saw his sad, somber face, I didn't care about God's will. I only cared about our will. The fact that we loved the people and ministry there. The cheap houses and great schools, the closeness to my grandparents.That all clouded my mind instead. Honestly, I feel so shocked. I really don't care about the jobs in AZ or IN. I wanted Todd to get this one. I wanted to plan our trip down there, organize the move, pick out a great house. I wanted to give my kids time to settle into the new school before too much of the semester had passed. I am so tired of being unable to make long term plans. I am tired of not knowing whether we will need winter coats, or where we will spend Christmas. I am tired of knowing that we can not make all the bills and facing the reality that I will have to get a job outside of the home in addition to the ones I am already doing. I am just plain worn out. Tired and depressed.
I need to know God has an open door planned. That the church He has selected for us is better than we can imagine. I am becoming afraid that the doors will not stop closing. I need to regain the hope that I thought I was so secure in. God's will. Not mine or Todd's or another church's.
God's.
Once again I need the strength to gather myself off of the floor, dry my fountain of tears and wait on the One who knows and sees all. And most of all cares.
And so we follow Him.
posted by Kimmy Porter @ 11:06 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Kim,
I wish I could put my arms around you and comfort you. I'm not going to say "God has everything under control" because I know that you and Todd know that in your hearts.
The word says "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and I really do understand that feeling. I felt heartsick when Todd called. I have felt that heart sick feeling many times in my 60 years and I am sure I will feel it again. I can only share with you that somehow, someway, the One who heals the broken hearted came through for me and I know He will for you.
The mom in me makes me want to make it right for you but I know I can't. I feel so helpless. I can only pray that God will bring his healing to you both quickly. Once again, I find myself reduced to prayer. I am asking God to sing songs of love over you so that you will not just know He loves you but that you will grow to know Him and his love for you more than ever before.
I am glad they call this blog because it makes me feel a little more comfortable about just rambling on.
Love,
Mom P
No is hard to hear when you are so ready to say yes. But sometimes God is saying more than just "no". Sometimes all we here is "no", but then there are whispers on the other side of that word. Whispers that we have difficulty hearing through the pain, the tears, the frustration, the anger, the discouragement, the rejection . . . you get the point.
At CTKC I was familar with the word no. And at no point in my experience did that word get easier to hear. Each time it came with pain and heartache.
The first time I thought I was going to be the Music Director. Everything looked perfect . . . and then God said no. Not only did he say no to being the director, but he said no to my even leading worship, I had been set aside.
"What God? You must be kidding me, I am a worship leader, that's what I do, that is what I have done since 8th grade!"
"NO"
"Well, I have an annointing for leading worship. When I'm on stage there is a definite difference. If I'm not the director, and not leading, then I should stay on one of the teams . . . they need me."
The next words from God were the most painful words I have ever heard. "Kevin I don't need you. I want you, but I don't need you. You are not even going to serve on a worship team. Quit."
"NO"
The last time I heard the words no I was being released from 20-something ministry. I was ready to give my life for CTKC, I was ready to head down the path of becoming a pastor. I would have done anything Bob Holt told me to do, even without the church being a great fit. God had worked me over for 4 years and I was ready to do whatever He wanted me to do. But thankfully God said "no" to CTKC. I wasn't thankful at the time. I was hurt! The words no came with a lie and some other stuff that I just can't share. I came unglued (in the safety of my home). I cried, screamed, through stuff around my house, I freaked out (because of being lied to). But through that hurt, God wanted to draw close and whisper to me.
His plan was bigger and bolder than I could have dreamed. His plan involved more sacrafice than I thought I was ready for. His timing was ridiculously impossible. His path involved steps that I had not considered. His plan for me involved Echo, the little place you currently call "home".
It was only through the pain of rejection that I was able to hear His call. A call out of CTKC, not in. A call to "now" not "later". A call to the ridiculous and uncomfortable. The call to follow Him . . . not to where I expected or wanted, but to follow Him to the place that had been prepared.
I am praying for you and Todd. I am praying that you will hear His whispers through the pain. I am praying that you will find the path that He seems to be hiding from you, or maybe it is just being overlooked. Tears have a way of clouding up our vision. I pray that you will recognize His closeness in your brokeness. I am praying for clarity in these difficult times.
You and Todd are both loved.
drybones
Quietly, calmly, He is holding in His hands a place for you -- as He has kept you in His heart.
Hi Kim,
It is so hard to hear that word, isn't it? It is so hard to hear "no" over and over again, and still believe that in God's timing and in His way, He is going to give you a "yes" that is greater than anything you could ever dare to imagine.
I am in that valley of no myself, and I understand the frustration, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, the absolute confusion, and despair that you will never hear that "yes" that you so desperately need to hear. The YES that will set things right, put you back on a forward course, taking you out of the limbo.
It will come, though. It sounds so trite and cliche to say, "God is in control". I have heard that said so many times over the last few months, there are moments when I just want to shout at the top of my lungs, "THEN WHY ISN'T HE DOING SOMETHING??? DOESN'T HE SEE ME HERE??"
But He does see. He sees your tears, He sees your hurt and disappointment, He sees that you wanted that job in Texas more than any of the other jobs, and how deeply it has hurt you that He has chosen not to give you and Todd that job.
I have heard it said that sometimes God calms the storms, other times, He lets the storm rage, and calms His child. I am going to go one step further, and say that sometimes God IS the storm. In all the turbulence of what you are going through spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, God is birthing something in you. In all of the chaos of what you are experiencing right now, God is shaping you for what He has in store for you when that YES finally comes.
I know how trite that sounds, but chew on that for a minute...None of this is in vain. Even this pain you are experiencing, as gutwrenching as it is, has a purpose. You have a heart for people and a love for ministry, and imagine how much more compassion and empathy God can show through you after the things you and your family have gone through.
I will keep you and Todd in prayer, that God will give you the YES that you seek, in His timing. I will also pray that until that YES comes, that He will give you peace, that He will calm your spirit with times of refreshing and restoration for your soul, and that He will send you gifts...little reminders that He sees you, He has not forgotten you, and He is working in ways we cannot yet see.
It is strange, uncomfortable, and bewildering, this place of NO. But I think we have to pass through this valley to bring us to YES, and He is doing this to birth things in us that would not be birthed any other way. Sometimes, God's greatest blessings take the strangest of forms...
I love you guys, and I'm praying for you.
-Stefanie
I am praying and hoping that God will open a door for you all soon, and that it will be the right one. I have to say, just because a door "opens" doesn't always mean it's the right one either. It's much better to get a NO than to get a yes and realize (once you've relocated) that it's not the right place after all. I know that patience is fleeting, especially when your children are involved. Just hang in there, and we'll all keep praying!!! :)
(Maybe we'll end up in the same "neighborhood"! Won't you be my neighbor?!?)
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