Thursday, June 16, 2005

Going in Circles

Recently I have felt as though we are spinning in circles of impossibilities. Its as though, at every turn, the only way to go is back the way we came.
We had been playing with the idea to sell our house. The reasons being 1) it would allow us to leave quicker should Todd get a job out of the area/state, 2) the market is slow so the sooner it is out there the sooner we can sell and 3) we can't afford to stay here anymore. We met with a real estate agent only to find out the the market is not only slow but the value of homes are pretty low. Basically, if we sold through her, we would walk away with only a few thousand. Then we found out that the county madates that every house sold with a septic must have the system inspected by a professional. This week was our inspection and we failed. Sadly, we have to have our entire tile field replaced. Only problem is this whole lack of money thing we are dealing with. Of course, if we sold our home, we could pay them to replace it, but we can't sell our home until it is replaced. Thus the whole circle analogy.
My emotions have also been turning uncontrollably. I have felt so secure and confident that God has our best interest in his hands. I have been calm as I prepare our family for the unknown. Then come the times when I look at the bills stacking up and start to calculate all the expenses needed to accomplish our day to day living and I break down in sobs. It is so unsettling not knowing where we will be in 5 months, 3 months and so on. I am a planner and the thought of a future that is played out day by day makes me feel so vulnerable.
I had to take our daughter to the doctors yesterday for tummy aches that don't seem to go away. The doctor confirmed my suspicion that she is suffering physically what I am emotionally. The stress has put a veil over the family and all of us are dealing with it as best as we can. It seems so unfair that our kids have to feel all the pain with us. Hannah told me today that if I went on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" I could win $4000 to help pay the bills. I laughed, but inside I was hurt that she knows how needy we really are. I just want to be "normal again". But it all goes back to the job situation which never seems to have strong enough leads.
And around we go again.


At 6:22 PM, Blogger Sonflowergurl said...

I've walked a million miles (it seems) down the same path you're on right now. Hang in there, sometimes things seem to get worse and worse and you don't think they can get even more difficult when they do. I know what you're going through (at least similarly) and I know that you will be blessed on the other side of this deep, dark valley!!! Let God take control of things (even though you think you are, see if you can find where you aren't letting go).

Praying for you all!!! :)


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