Monday, October 01, 2007


I find that lately I am surrounded with the act of waiting. I think it has always existed, however, in the last 2 1/2 years it has really begun to illuminate over all other things. There are times when the thoughts that we are still waiting on God to move don't even cross my mind. Other days, such as Sundays, I am constantly reminded that there is a void in our lives.

For so many years it was I who drove separately from Todd because he had to be at church much earlier. There were many nights when I waited for him to get home after he spent a long evening with teens and adult volunteers. I remember sacrificing my involvement in activities because it would involve leaving the kids too many nights with a sitter or make it difficult for our family in some way. I always wanted Todd to feel free to minister in the church even though it meant a few sacrifices along the way.

Now, we have reversed roles it seems.

I am the one who has to be at church early in the wee hours of the morning and he is the one staying back and making sure the kids are dressed and ready. There are many nights during the month that I am at church for a rehearsal. Most recently, Todd sacrificed being able to attend a special worship service so I could go and help out (there wasn't child care). Though I am deeply grateful that God has allowed me to be so involved in the ministries I love, I am also heartbroken. I have pleaded with Him on several occasions to take all the favor He has given me and release Todd back into ministry. It is a struggle we both face and it feels sometimes like it is choking the faith out of us. I want to believe that God has a plan and reason for keeping us waiting, but I also grow weary with the long road before us.

Then there are times when I remember so many others who are waiting.

Today, I saw a friend of ours jogging who is still waiting for God to send him to China. He and his family gave up everything last year, a home, a job and the comforts of being with family and it appears that God is not quite done with the preparations. My grandmother, who has been like a mother to my cousin, waits for him to get home from his second deployment to Iraq. A woman I knew from school is waiting today to see if her dad will pass away as they take him off the ventilator. My heart breaks when I think of my dear friend, Stephanie, who just finished radiation therapy and is waiting to regain her strength and health again. She lost her job, her apartment and even friends when cancer took over her body a little over 6 months ago.

I wish there was a word of comfort in all of this, but my only hope is that God is in control and He won't forget us. That I won't let my doubts and frustration turn into bitterness but that this time of pressing will strip all that I should not be and release all that He wants me to be. That in the end of the race, I will be fashioned into the vessel He had designed all along and that I won't fight each painful moment but embrace it.


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