Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My unresolved life

Sunday, our pastor spoke on how our church will be going through many transitions over the next year and a half. Many of those changes are not even formulated and he gave an illustration by playing a beautiful jazz song. The song grew and danced around and just as you awaited the resolution... it stopped. Right there, hanging on an unresolved note. It made you want to sing out the last notes you expected to hear. It could drive you crazy if you thought about it too much or listened to it multiple times.
The last two years, I have repeatedly felt my life rang the same notes. Its as if God has created a complicated jazz song that has many twists, minor measures intermixed with major and each time I have felt He was taking me to the climax and resolution, He stops. Once again, I am left hanging on to the last note He wrote. Waiting for what I expect to hear, yet not quite knowing what the Artist has in mind. I am beginning to sense more and more that the notes I thought He intended to write may not be anywhere close to what I thought. I had this whole idea when Todd and I got married 11 1/2 yrs ago that he would go into full-time ministry and I would be the happy stay at home mother and wife. Things would be perfect and smooth. No minor notes or twists in the measures. Once reality hit, I knew that every life does not consist of such melodic tunes without taking difficult notes, even measures, along the way. Sometimes, its even the entire chorus. What I am praying for is a beautiful bridge that will bring hope to this time in my life and turn this inpatient mood of a song to one full of life and inspiration. I feel I have waited so long and listened to this song over and over so many times that sometimes it feels I will never get to hear how He intends to complete it.
I don't know if it will be a year and half such as our church will have to wait or perhaps an even longer time. I just pray for the ability to wait without trying to write the notes myself.


At 10:35 PM, Blogger Ms. Right Now said...

I understand. It is so difficult to walk forward in grace when you really have no idea exactly where you are going. I understand the difficulty of this uncertainty. I will keep you in prayer.

At 7:35 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Thanks, Steph. Even though our circumstances in life are diffiferent, God seems to be in the midst of teaching us the same things. You are also in my prayers.

At 6:24 PM, Blogger sonflowergurl said...

i totally understand! i thought jerry would be full-time in ministry from the get-go of our marriage too. that's been the case for less than half of our married life (almost 14 years now). my "dream" was to be a stay-home mom too, that only happened for little bits of time when the kids were super little. God's plans are not our plans, and that's hard to grasp and even accept sometimes. we're still thinking about you all and praying for you. i hope you all find the perfect place of contentment's hard to find sometimes!

hang in there!


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