Tuesday, February 10, 2009

"No" Once again

Its funny, I feel like I could copy and paste a few previous blogs in order to write what I am feeling right now. After we returned from our trip last week, I was really excited, but the past few days, I have had so much anxiety over whether or not Todd would be chosen. I felt so much dread and I just put the feelings up to the previous times Todd has been turned down. I thought that I was just being negative and so I was constantly praying and asking God to help me relax and anticipate a "yes". Todd told me after the phone call from TX that he had been feeling the same way. Not surprisingly then, when our dread turned to reality. The wonderful church we hoped to go down and join had chosen the other candidate over Todd. The main reason being that he was already Methodist, unlike Todd. It is heart breaking. I am so overcome with grief.

I have never known the feeling of loosing a baby through miscarriage and I know the pain we are going through is nowhere as intense as the loss of a child, but the process reminds me of what we have experienced over the last 3 years. When a man and woman are anticipating a new baby, they are excited, they plan, announce their joy with those they love and pray for the baby's safe arrival. They have their whole lives rearranged as they prepare for a child that will change everything they ever knew. Then the dream dies. They feel the pain and shame of losing something so dear. All the plans and arrangements are in vain, and they are left feeling empty and broken.

We now feel very empty and broken. The dream we have prayed so hard for just doesn't ever seem to grow full-term. Time after time, its "miscarried" and we are left to start over. In the past, Todd had a job to go back to, but this time, he does not. That makes it all more frightening. My instincts want to shout out "I quit!". I want to run away from all of this and start over somewhere far away and forget that God ever called Todd into ministry. Its just too painful. Too full of rejection. But my heart says that God still has a plan. As much as I want to throw my hands up and say "I surrender", I just can't. I don't want to go through another interview with a committee. I don't want to fly out to visit a church and fall in love with it, just to be heart broken again. I don't want to plan our future around a dream that just never seems to be fulfilled. But I know we have to. I have to mourn for today but tomorrow get back up and brush my knees off and get ready to face whatever comes next.

Its not going to be easy, but we will do it like each time before this one.


At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Amy said...

In times like this, not only do I want to quit, I want to question everything--did I hear you right, Lord? Why do all these other guys get jobs and not me? What is going on?

I am praying for you all during this difficult time. I love how you write all this with such honesty, and at the end of it all, you commit yourself to continue seeking God's will. I love that about you, Kim.


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