Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Rollercoaster

Two and a half years ago, I experienced something that has only happened a few times in my life. I heard God speak. Not audibly, but it could have been as strongly as I felt it. The word was "stay". After Todd confirmed he was hearing the same thing, we took our house off the market, became members at the church we had just begun attending and stopped sending out resumes.

After we obeyed, it seemed everything fell into place. The church we had joined opened its arms to us and we dove into volunteer ministry. Todd even felt peace for the first time in almost 10 years working as a machinist. Soon after, a door opened and we took a step of faith feeling very strongly that God had orchestrated all of this for that one purpose. When the door abruptly closed, we were left confused, hurt and felt as if it was man closing the door and not God.

Still, we hung on even though feelings of discontent and eagerness to get into paid ministry again slowly crept in. I also couldn't shake the feeling that we were suppose to go through that closed door and that in time it would open again.

Today, I found out that the same door may once again open and honestly, the first thing I felt was confusion and the need for a good cry. Though I've always known in my heart that there was a mistake made back then, I also am tired of the roller coaster.

It is so stressful not to know where God is leading you. I have no idea how Moses survived 40 years of uncertainty. On one side, I know with out a doubt that Todd and I are called to ministry. However, I still struggle with doubt and questions. While I should be happy at this new knowledge that maybe our time has come, I am left numb and frightened. I don't want to live in the "ifs" and "maybes" anymore. I just want to hear from God one word of certainty- whatever it may be. I'm just afraid to get back on a ride- knowing that the "odds" are that we'll end up where we began.

My prayer right now is that God will help me keep my heart and mind focused on Him and that Todd and I will both have peace no matter what doors open, reopen or close once more.


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